Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Ways to Go Straight To Hell

For many of us, whether or not we will spend our afterlife in heaven or hell is probably a bit up in the air. I mean, people are biased towards themselves, so most probably think heaven's their final destination, but many people can also think of more than a few discretions that might make their afterlife a bit hotter. Below are 3 ways, with no grey area, that can make your eventual path clearly towards one of the fiery circles.

1. Parking in a Handicapped Space
There's something about this that just seems so utterly wrong. I mean, does anyone do this? Like do bank robbers park in them when robbing banks? Or does some mild moral reflex pull them over to the space with the yellow diagonal lines running through it? I bet even serial killers don't. Seriously, I bet Jefferey Dammer never once parked in a handicapped space his entire life.

2. Calling Your Recovering Alcoholic Friend When You Want To Get Wasted
I think many of us have done some form of this, just not gone all the way. I mean, you know there's always that person that will drink with you, and on most nights you wish they would avoid the bottle. But then there's those times you just feel like taking it up a level... And you know who'll be there for you. But hopefully, none of us has actually actively brought a friend back off the wagon.

3. Kicking Your Dog
The worse thing about kicking your dog would be, you know, they would still come back to you. That next day when you came home from work there would be Fido welcoming you at the door. And that is why you would be going to hell and they to heaven

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Blogger BoggyWoggy said...

Wow, good ideas. I would add:
1. stealing a cane from a blind man
2. putting a scale in the bathroom of a bulemic/anorexic
3. hurting a baby in anyway

8:50 pm  
Blogger Michael5000 said...

Wow, Hell? 'Cause although I think that handicapped parking is a generally good thing, and I've certainly never parked in one, I also think it's pretty excessive for having it be a legal crime to park in them.

It feels to me like an instance of government by schoolmarm -- a mandatory kindness, like if everyone was required by law to spend a half-hour cheering up a senior citizen after work every day.

Full Disclosure: I've had two friends burned with $200+ fines for turning around in, or dropping someone off from, a vacant handicapped spot. That left a crappy taste in my mouth.

9:54 am  
Anonymous emho said...

I think it's a bad idea to murder someone or steal candy from babies.

7:47 pm  
Blogger Jenny! said...

The handicapped spots drive me insane...they are never used!

In China they eat dogs...what do you think about that? They don't kick them!

9:52 am  
Blogger chuckdaddy2000 said...

I think it's OK to kill dogs, as long as you eat them, so the Chinese are in the clear.

I don't really think Handicapped Space parking is that bad, I was trying to be tongue in cheek (whereas the other 2 I think are true, go figure, I seem to have confused myself).

I actually just find it kind of fascinating the power a handicapped space has on our psyche and how much people freak out over it.

My neighbor parked in one once for like a minute as her partner (who is handicapped and they had a sticker) went in to grab something in a grocery store- and some women coming out of the store just started yelling at her. Like, would she have gotten as mad had my neighbor been stealing something? Don't think so.

2:44 pm  
Blogger The [Cherry] Ride said...

How about those single car drivers who drive in the carpool lanes during rush hour. They're going to hell for sure.

8:58 am  
Blogger chuckdaddy2000 said...

Especially those cheaters who put mannequins in their passenger seat.

9:21 am  

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