Monday, August 13, 2007

Fatherhood Worries

So, no overthrow again this week. It's starting to feel like homework, and now that I actually have homework (Modern Middle Eastern History Rocks!!!), I find myself not being as into it. Anyway, I have much more important things to do, like making bookshelves (IKEA!) and getting ourselves moderately organized.

One funny thing that has been happening to me lately though, is I keep on having the same conversation w/ random middle-aged guys when they discover my wife is due soon.

Them: "Whoo, get ready b/c your life is going to change"

Me: "Yep."

And then it seems like I haven't sounded scared enough, so they keep going. "No, I mean be prepared. Your life will never be the same again. I mean, it's going to be great and all, but, man, your life will be totally different."

I've now had this conversation with 2 people I work with, the UPS man, and the friendly guy down the street who likes to tell me how much things cost. Interestingly, my wife hasn't had this type of dialogue once.

Now, of course I realize sering children is a big deal. But since I don't think it's possible for me to truly take in its life-changing implications, I might as well just wait. Here are a few things I am worried about though.

1. Wearing a Baby Bjorn

I'm not sure how else I'm going to carry around my child, but I just think guys look like such dorks w/ these things. Am I alone? I've considered avoiding it by going hippie and being the only guy in town wearing a sling. But then I'd probably put it on incorrectly and the baby would come toppling out. No, I think, unfortunately, I can only be trusted w/ the kid strapped to me via Baby Bjorn.

2. Ever having a complete conversation again

I always see new parents having trouble talking since they're always on alert for what baby's doing or responding to various issues. This makes sense, but I think parents get in this habit and let themselves be interrupted for like the rest of their lives. I just kind of hate that whole cult of the child everything 5-year old Jimmy says is fascinating. I'm all for sticking all the kids in their own room and both parties doing their own thing.

3. Watching bad movies repeatedly

I'm a bit of a movie snob, and there are very few cartoon movies I like. And I know, sooner than later, we'll be having to trade The Wire and Entourage for repeated viewings of Shrek VII. I know Hipster isn't having a problem w/ this (Since Shawshank is pretty much what you'd get if Disney made a jail movie), but I'm not looking forward to watching Dumbo 87 times. I guess that's what Uncle Petrovich is for (Hopefully, the kid will like Batman Begins).



Anonymous hipster said...

Yeah, Dom likes the film projector room scene best. And his fav character is Chubby Fatass. Giggles everytime he takes a night stick to the head. It's adorable.

Now then, as a new papa I can offer some guidance on your concerns. First, re: the Baby Bjorn, you WILL look like a category five dork. But, as a theme that will pervade your entire experience, you just kinda have to embrace your inner dork. And wearing a sling would look 10x worse. Not to mention you'd confuse the hell out of the kid (unless you're lactating).

Complete conversations - you or your wife will be watching the kid at all times, of course, so this is really a matter of you/your wife not letting yourselves get distracted when the other is on watch. And if it's your watch and you get distracted, your counterpart will understand.

Movies - I haven't gotten to this part of fatherhood yet, but from everything I've heard, you will be thanking your god that Walt Disney made all those movies. Your alternative is to intro your little one to the complete Altman collection (or whichever director you arthouse guys are blathering on about these days).

Finally, I got the same "your life will change" BS from fellas when we were expecting. Sure it will, you'd have to be a moron to think otherwise. The better question is, will it make YOU change - and if so, how and to what degree?

My $.02

8:59 pm  
Blogger Kadonkadonk said...

Shrek is awesome! I'd totally watch it over and over again. Same with The Incredibles and Cars and Monsters Inc. Oh, and Aladdin! But most kid movies do suck, so I am glad I don't have to deal with that yet.

You'll totally get over the baby bjorn when baby gets to be more than about 12 pounds. We sell more of those damn things at REI than probably anything else. I think you just won't give a shit what people are thinking about you. I mean, after you've gotten used to talking to people with baby spit, shit, drool, and snot all over you, who's even going to notice the bjorn?

9:00 pm  
Blogger Karin said...

Nice, Kadonkadonk. I'm sure he feels much better now. ; )

I second the vote for The Incredibles. "That was totally wicked!"

11:09 pm  
Blogger Michael5000 said...

I always wonder about, I don't know, maybe Yorkshire farmers in 1780. How much did THEIR lives totally change once their first child came along?

I think the Bjorn is kind of cool, although I didn't know it had a name.

As far as movies go, I would vote for complete movie deprivation. Don't even let the child know there is such a thing as a movie. This forces them to learn to read as soon as possible. A child who reads is quiet, stationary, and self-sufficient. With a little luck, you could be there in four short years.

Just let me know if you need more baby advice.

12:51 am  
Blogger Jenny! said...

Congrats! Your lucky...your wife is getting all the belly touchers, weird mommy stories, horror birthing stories and annoying ass woman!

7:44 am  
Blogger The [Cherry] Ride said...

Sleep. You forgot to list the lack of sleep.

8:57 am  
Blogger chuckdaddy2000 said...

Hipster- Thanks for the advice (seriously). We will start Lars Von Trier in utero to help up the little one's movie taste to our standards.

Kadonkadonk- Good points.

Karin- You figured out the avatar! Congrats!!

Michael5000- You are a fountain of wisdom.

Jenny- Wife hasn't got that many belly touchers, but you are spot on what women have been talking to her about- pregnancy, pregnancy, birth, brith, pregnancy

8:58 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Petrovich here. You can count on me to watch movies 85 times with your son or daughter. And it doesn't even have to involve Batman, though I would prefer it. Go Pixar!

10:20 am  
Blogger Jenny! said...

Is she ready to punch the next person that tells her about breastfeeding yet??? No, it will happen soon!

8:47 am  
Anonymous chuckdaddy's big sis said...

there is nothing wrong with a man wearing a sling. you live in portland for godsakes! that kind of thing is expected! the bjorn stops being fun when the kid weighs 18 lbs or so and you are bent over like a hunchback and then you have no choice but to move to a sling, unless you're too cool. if my partner can wear a sling, zz top beard and all, in chicago with confidence i think you should do the same. i would like to take this oportunity to say i just bought a bike trailer and my 1 year old can ride in it and it is amazing. get a trailer! some come with handles so you can switch it into a stroller when you get to your destination. of couse, portland has hills and chicago has no hills so it may be a little harder but it is a good way to go places without resorting to the car, stroller, or sling!

7:04 pm  

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